Below Deck Power Rankings, Week 7.5: I Just Don't Like The Vibe

The only thing better than a new episode of Below Deck on Monday nights is Sarah D Bunting's Tuesday morning power rankings. Click here for previous Below Deck power rankings.

Below Deck S07, E05: "Magic Ashton"

All is well with the interior crew — if you don't count Kevin, who's continuing to whipsaw between sulky contemplation of quitting and grim determination to prove himself to Captain Lee with a gazillion-course tasting menu. But the deck crew is rapidly fraying: Abbi, almost too hungover to function after her sorrows-drowning night out last week, does manage to haul herself to work, albeit forty minutes late...but spends the rest of the episode distracted after a lunchtime text convo with her on-again-off-again fuckbuddy ends in a marriage proposal. (Courtney congratulates her in the moment, but shares our sentiments on the staying power of that turn of events in our lead photo.)

Ashton can't even muster congratulations, and it's not just because Abbi was hitting on him not 12 hours prior. Abbi is continuing to act flaky, forgetting to turn her radio on again, chatting with guests instead of dealing with inflatables; Brian is in the galley flirting with Courtney instead of doing deck checks; and Tanner caught a bad clam and can barely function. (Would that that were true of the sound-effects team, which captures his illness in all the grody detail we did not miss from Kevin's illness.) And he has to do a striptease for the ladies of the latest charter to try to drive the tip up. (S...o to speak.)

Who's a diamond jubilee and who's a runaway bride? Here are your Episode 5 power rankings...

1. Courtney. Her frozen "wow, that's...greeeeeaaaaaat" face in response to Abbi's big news, paired with an eye-rolly talking-head, is pro, as is her prompt and forceful "No!" when Kate asks if she's open to a thing with Brian. She's also very serious about when a ten-course meal is appropriate: last meals only. And she thinks about her own last meal "often." Guys, she is really weird and I think I might love it. [Last week: 1]

2. Kate. Doesn't get a ton of screentime, comparatively, but makes the most of it by dismissing Abbi's continuing boating-identity crisis with "You're not depressed; you're just a brat." Also paroles Simone from the laundry before Simone can get sick of it herself. [Last week: 3]

3. Ashton. I'm not sure his gentle-but-firm approach is the best one at this point, simply because it's not getting great results, as he has to clock Brian for helping Courtney do dishes instead of taking care of his own duties; ride Abbi for lateness, radio crap, and not having her head in the game; and parry repeated "jokes" from the guests about taking his shirt off, then come through with a striptease "lesson" because he doesn't want a refusal to be the difference between a 15K tip and a 20K tip. That said, the lesson is fairly informative (especially about Ashton's 24-pack), and he does his best to let Tanner rest up during his illness. [Last week: 5]

4. Simone. She seems committed to learning the craft, though she's a liiiiittle shaky on the tray-balancing so far. [Last week: 4]

5. Captain Lee. Look, Kevin is a pill, but I don't entirely disagree that Captain Lee's sugar-free assessment of Kevin's cooking is perhaps...well, Kevin uses the word "petty," but...you know how umpires will sometimes squeeze the strike zone on a pitcher who's lost command of his pitches, so the manager will come out and yank the guy faster? It feels like that's what's happening among production, Captain Lee, and Kevin — that someone's suggested Lee speed up the journey to Kevin's breaking point. [Last week: 2]

6. Tanner. The points he picks up for trying to work through his illness without complaining or oversleeping are, alas, deducted, when he hand-waves the awkwardness with Kate after their night out by shrugging that he only wanted to fuck her. K? [Last week: 7]

7. Brian. Probably gets more of Ashton's frustration than he entirely warrants because he's the only one Ashton can really count on right now, but is a little unfocused, and should maybe avoid whinging about fairness when he broke the davit last week and didn't have the repair cost taken out of his paycheck. [Last week: 6]

8. The guests. A vast improvement over Brandy and the other sunburned luggage from the previous charter, but they're still sexually harassing Ashton. [Last week: 8]

9. Kevin. He does come through on the ten-course tasting menu, but it takes a boo-hoo phone call with his sister to get him there emotionally...and naturally, his strategy meeting with Kate 1) takes forever and 2) contains much shushing of other crew members because he can't bore Kate with thinking aloud about reductions unless it's library silent in the galley. Really didn't need to know about his naked gnocchi kink, either. [Last week: 9]

10. Abbi. I could get into all the details, but "rules in general are kind of not my forte" is all you really need to hear. Kate's right: the "my gentle free spirit is getting crushed under the bootheel of basic expectations of professionalism" is not depression. It's obnoxious. Quit already. [Last week: 10]

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Sarah D. Bunting co-founded Television Without Pity, and her work has appeared in Glamour and New York, and on MSNBC, NPR's Monkey See blog, MLB.com, and Yahoo!. Find her at her true-crime newsletter, Best Evidence, and on TV podcasts Extra Hot Great and Again With This.